Beautiful People

Boomtown has been and gone and what a festival it was! I will report on it more fully when the pictures have landed. But I will say this-I went expecting to get mash-up for four days (which I did) but I didn’t expect to embark upon any deep thoughts or realisations…that was a surprise.

Allow me to paint the picture…on Friday I managed to lose all my girls – bound to happen at some point, and unsurprisingly found myself raving at Arcadia with some other mates when out of the blue I start dancing with a bit of a fitty on my right. First hour I thought – jackpot! Good dancer, good kisser, bit of a looker…but after a few ‘conversations’ in which he told me which car he drove, how much of a playboy he was and how much money he makes, I realised that he was…how to phrase this…a dick.

I’ve never thought of myself as superficial and I’ve never wanted people to judge me by the way I look because I’ve always thought of myself as ugly and in some ways I’ve felt saddened by that. I always thought it would be nice to be considered as a ‘beautiful one’ because they had it easier and people automatically treat them better but after an encounter with this beautiful person I began to think it can be somewhat of a hindrance. How do you ever develop your personality when people aren’t that interested in it? Why bother having anything thoughtful to say if people only ever see you in a superficial way? Obviously this is a huge generalisation, and I have many stunning friends who have equally stunning personalities but I do think there is something to be said about having to learn how to connect with people on a level that goes deeper than what you see on the outside.

I found it really rather hilarious that the guy in question couldn’t quite understand when I told him money and material things didn’t impress or interest me in any way. In fact I seem to remember him saying “oh, I just assumed because your attractive, you would be” which made me think quite a bit about how people see me now. Obviously this guy had lines he used on girls generally, and as he complimented me, promised me dinners and gifts etc, told me I was wifey material, (‘which is a big thing for me innit cause I can have any girl, but I want you’…. Bellend.) and pulled out the stops to try and impress me, the more I went off him and I could see him getting confused but the difference between me and these other girls, is that I could see it was all bullshit. In fact later that night I told him, the thing is I have a brain, and I am a realist, and I look for more in a man than what I can see.

Maybe because of my past I find it hard to see myself the way other people see me, but it is quite a weird thing having being bullied because of the way I look for more than a decade, and now having lost some weight and having people find me attractive. A lot of the time its difficult not to think, fuck you. You didn’t like me when I was fat, and I’m still the same person I was then so what’s changed?! I’m now acceptable to get with because I’ve lost a few inches? Thanks, how very generous of you.

I know I’m pessimistic with men, and generally I don’t have a lot of hope for romance, but I think its because in my mind I’ve had to work for people’s acceptance all my life by being clever or funny or witty or entertaining in some way to make up for my appearance. I like having my own ideas, and something interesting to contribute in a conversation. To have new people put me in a ‘pretty but dumb’ box after just meeting me this late in life is more than a little annoying. And for people who have known me for years who suddenly find me attractive…also pretty annoying!

Anyway, rant over. Basically what I’ve discovered about myself is that I need to be a lot more in my life than a beautiful person. And if you have nothing interesting to say to me, do fuck off. I dont care about your money or your car or your six pack. If that’s what you’ve spent your life working on, I really don’t have any time for you. Give me interesting conversation over dirty talk any day.